Newly Unveiled Federal Cave System Vows to Tackle Healthcare Crisis

Monday’s House session ended in fanfare as representatives of both parties erupted in an enthusiastic chant, “Cave! Cave! Cave!”

By: Nick Danger 

 House Republicans unveiled a new proposal aimed at tackling the problem of the overworked and underfunded healthcare system across the country: An extensive network of underground caves that would function as a location where the uninsured and generally disparate could crawl into and die, conveniently out of sight and memory from the relative tranquility of American surface dwellers.

An artist's rendition of what the decomposed remains and bones will likely look like piled within the federal cave system.

 House Speaker Kevin McCarthy spoke Monday afternoon, “While I am generally against the Federal government putting its hand into State’s affairs, I believe that a small budget could be allocated to either create new artificial cave networks or expand upon already existing natural systems in states that are currently lacking the appropriate cave space.” He added: “A large, interconnected cave network that is accessible by all, regardless of income, would be to the benefit of every American. Imagine the comfort knowing that you have a perfectly good cave below your feet to crawl into and die a slow and agonizing death in.” he continued, “I’m sure there would be like stalagmites or tites or whatever, from which little drops of water would come out, and so we probably don’t even need like any plumbing or lights down there, even.”

A labeled image of different geologic cave features. Looks like McCarthy needs to go back to geology class, it would be Stalactites that provide drinking water.

 The general atmosphere was receptive and seemed to attract a good deal of bipartisan interest, refreshing given the longstanding difficulties that house Republicans and Democrats have had in recent history.

 House Minority leader Hakeem Jeffries had this to say, “I think the cave system could really benefit the approximately 30 million Americans that are currently lacking proper health insurance. I think that by providing the adequate space for anyone to go and crawl into and subsequently die would be a huge load off of our already struggling healthcare system.” he added later saying, “We could also go in and like scavenge all the bones and make something cool out of them probably”

 Monday’s House session ended in fanfare as representatives of both parties erupted in an enthusiastic chant, “Cave! Cave! Cave!” echoing across the great halls of Congress as Kevin McCarthy was carried out by the energetic and invigorated crowd.